I came to an epiphany this morning; I realised that at the start of the year everything was perfect, I had a renewed sense of self-worth, I had new ambitions, new hobbies and a better lifestyle, new friends and a new perspective. I thought that this was because of a change in myself and that this was who I was now. But over the course of the year those ambitions, positive outlook and general happiness faded away until I had lost most of my motivation and near to no self-worth.
I realised this morning that it wasn’t me that changed this, it was the lack of burdens. I took on old burdens, I surrounded myself with people who had nothing to offer me, people who had no vision other than what I could do for them, and blindly I followed their requests, I succumbed to the negativity of those around me, and let them drain me of all I had until they could see that I had no more to offer.
It wasn’t a change in me that brought these aspects. I have always been that happy, I have always been that dedicated and that ambitious, I had been told that I was more valued, and felt more valued in that first section of this year than I have in my entire life, but again I was corrupted by those who sought only to gain from me and had no interest to give but only take.
My self worth had been drained again, I’m like a rechargeable battery, people use you until you’re dead, replace you with new batteries, and wait until you recharge fully to use you again, before tossing you away once more. I wont be used again, I understand how I work now, finally, I understand what makes me tick, and I’ve never known a greater feeling than this.
I’m a happy person, I am my own person, I love this life because it is the only one I will ever see, I wish I could have known this earlier, I lost those friends that I had, and I wish to have them back, but this marks a new dawn. The last thing I need are negative people and a succubus. I am better than them, and I will no longer be your puppet. Like they told me back then, you can’t save everyone, but some don’t deserve to be. Fuck you, you will never have the joy of seeing me break again.